Rambles Before my 7th Treatment

    Lymies sometimes ask me how I get through it; even those who don't have Lyme, ask. I don't really have an answer. The only option I have is to go through it the best I can. I try to stay so busy that I don't have time to be sad because if I sit around, I have all the time in the world to pity myself. I would rather stay positive and be doing things that are productive.... like writing about this endless journey ;-)

    Next week is my first 10 pass. I'm a little nervous, & oddly excited. My excitement stems from a gut feeling that my single ozone treatments aren't working. However, I have no valid results to know if they are yet. My 6th treatment did make me herx tremendlously. This was probably the biggest herx reaction I've ever had in my life as a Lymie. I developed major head pressure immediately afterwards. Once I got back to my hotel (where I reside while I'm getting treated), I became so lethargic that all I wanted to do was sleep....and so I did.

   I have talked about my frustrations and set backs, but I think I failed to mention about, EXHAUSTION, which is definitely one of my latest frustrations. Those of you who know me, know I've always been the go-getter...the girl who doesn't take a break.  Well, I loved that about me. Just like I loved being a runner, until that was stripped away from me too.  I find myself cursing at the wind when I'm out. Imagine, it's 6pm, you're out, and you cannot physically find the energy to stay out for more than one more hour. It's as if I live in this body that has become depleted of everything that once made me feel so whole; that once made me feel like.... Me. I've become so consumed by this disease that I find myself teetering between depression and happiness. Imagine you have a rope tied around your waist (happiness) and the other end is tied to boulder (depression) behind you. You pull forward and it feels like you're getting ahead, but then, you become exhausted and the boulder is too heavy for you to pull foward. And so, you're there.....stuck. This is a continuous process for me. 

    I look forward to one day going into remission, but with the relentless setbacks, it's hard to keep hope.  With these setbacks, I unintentionally project a lot of my frustrations on those who love me. I am not the best version of myself that I once was and those people only get a portion of me, and a lot of the time that portion is, unsightly; a side I am not poud of. Perhaps, one day, I will be strong enough to be my true authentic self, where I no longer hide the things that hurt or pretend that I am peachy.  

If only I could turn myself inside out, maybe then, people would understand what it's truly like to live with Lyme.    --Be Strong. You never know who you are inspiring. xo